Terminal Male Infancy

I came across something several days ago that struck me with a great force of comedy and a stark truth. It’s amazing how life will drop these little nuggets of wisdom upon you when you least expect it. The place, the time, the environment around, while all can be conducive to discovery, doesn’t mean fate hesitates for location, location, location. My realization came about something that is an eternal, albeit a terminal, genetic code in males. A part of our make- up that, when asked, we can’t conjure the words to explain. Not even the brightest of our gender could put to reason the inert addiction to this cosmic love affair.

I think irony, also, has no pretenses to timing – this is what makes irony exactly what it is and something that I enjoy right down to the very fiber of my being. I’m not saying that all irony is comedic, or even satirical; it can be cold and have a brute like force. But that is a topic that I dare not breach today; nay, friend, this is irony with a smiley face, this is irony that kisses babies, and loves unicorns, and all the limp-wristed shit one could conjure to make it jolly! Irony walked up and slapped me on the hind-end while I was at my thinking spot, guys know exactly where I’m talking about, the one and only thinking spot that universally unites us all! That spot in our homes that no matter what the day might bring, or what the week, the month, our jobs, our cars, our spouses, family, agendas… I digress… No matter what, this is the spot that alleviates all, that brings us peace of mind, relieves us the weight of a day and/or night in some circumstances. You know the spot; you knew it as soon as I said thinking spot – it’s the porcelain thrown!

Yes, irony, such a fickle beast of a thing.

In that moment, it hit me; we men, we will always be amused by at least three things. These things, in our minds, in our hearts, in our very souls, are things that will be infinitely humorous. Ladies, no matter how hard you try, no matter the prep school, the training, the edict you attempt to place upon us, these three things will always make us giggle/chuckle/laugh, dependent upon our distance from you! This passionate genetic code is much like doilies, puppies, rabbits, soft blankets, pink things, small things, scented things, perfect color combos, down comforters, throws (whatever the hell these are; tiny blankets that do nothing but keep only a small portion of your body warm.), and so on, are to you females.

What are those three things you might ask?

Well sure, I will get to that, but I think one has to understand why it is amusing to us as a whole. We are primed early on much differently. Our process of production is much less drastic than yours and here is why; we are not made to take ourselves seriously and to not do this, we can’t take much of anything else seriously. Our ethos is not the sole purpose of our function; we do not base our thoughts off of this barometer. We are a mono-ethos creature; Anger. This is the only thing that registers, anything else is either funny or mutates to something hateful. With that, we find most of everything to be comedic because it’s just not fun to be angry all the time, when you get down to the brass tax, anyway. So yes, other people in pain, wrecks, explosions, anything that embarrasses the hell out of someone else, and you will find us clutching gut and bellowing some sort of laughter. There is no helping this; it is incurable, unaffected – restrained? Sure, but only ever -so slightly. There are three, main events that will forever tickle our fancies.

It goes back to when fate plants these realizations in our brains and how that grows into something we could have never imagined. Here is the replay: as I stated previously, I was on my thinking spot, pondering life, pondering my ever living soul, and then it came to me… I can still make an amazing faux gastric explosion from my arm pit just by properly negotiating a pocket of air!!... At which point the only, logical, thing to do was to prove myself wrong. However, oh, a huge HOW-ever, I was completely RIGHT! I could do this, I still had it. It reminded me of the night when I first learned to master this feat. I was in 8th grade; Jeremiah Sweezy and I were camped out on my trampoline waiting for some girls to T.P. my house, at which point we were going to foil their sly little plan! Jer said, hey, listen to this… and so it began. He walked me through the fundamentals, the proper technique, the different pitches and tones, what didn’t work and what did. It was amazing! The tutorial was brief; I was ready to spread my wings, or better yet the collar of my shirt to give my best shot to this new found talent. I never could have realized how good I would become at it. We were masters; these noises from the pits of our arms were so real that even the keenest of ear to the art wasn’t sure if what they had heard was real or a hoax. We could do long ones, short ones, fat ones, skinny ones, high ones, bass rumbling low ones; basically any pitch or inflection of tone and we had it in our repertoire.

I sat there, astonished with this. Not that I could still do it, but rather, that I still fund it so amusing, at 28 years old I still found this to be funny. Which, in turn, made me wonder what the hell was wrong with me?! It then hit me that a boat load of my guy friends would still concur, that it was indeed, still comical to them as well. This is where I realized that there are those three things in life that we, as men will always laugh at, and they are as follows ladies:

1. Fart noises

Yes, no matter how hard you try, no matter how disgusting you find it; we will rare back rip one and the rest around will follow suit and/or a hearty laugh. Embrace that this is who we are and you will find life to be much simpler.

2. Random, yet vicious, shots to the nuts.

The comical thing here is actually two part; 1. The plethora of grunts, groans, sighs, chokes, or gasps one might make after being hit in said region is enough to invoke tears. Also, the descent after shot; there is the sniper, the buckle, and the launch. I’m sure all of us have seen them – if not I’m looking for demonstrations as I write. 2. WE know the pain, it has happened to us. We laugh out of empathy.

3. Midgets

I realize that this is terribly politically incorrect and I do apologize. But, I do so with my fingers crossed and middle finger up. Don’t be so serious. We can’t help ourselves.

Consider yourself learned.